Normally these days, when you hear the words backfire and NBA in the same sentence, you would think that Gilbert Arenas had some sort of gun malfunction as a result of a bad game of checkers. However, I use the term in a way far less painful to all the Agent Zero fans out there and far more enjoyable to all the Mavericks (aka the New Wizards) fans out there. If you've been keeping up with the Birdman's latest articles you should be able to figure out that I am referring to NBA Commissioner David Stern's latest conspiracy. To reiterate briefly, late this February Stern attempted to exact revenge on Dallas Maverick's owner Mark Cuban for some unflattering comments Cuban had made regarding NBA officials. As Mark is a multimillionaire, Stern's usual tactic of excessive fining (something he is slowly refining as per instructions be mentor and NFL commissioner Roger Goodell) didn't work. Thus Stern was forced to resort t more subversive tactics, which came in the form of banning the chewing of plastic straws; a Caron Butler mainstay. Stern's logic (something he rarely uses) was that by forcing Butler to change his in game routine, he could throw him off rhythm thus preventing the Mavericks from what could be their 10th straight playoff appearance.

Fortunately Stern has failed. Here we are 11 games into Caron Butler's Mavericks run, 5 with straws, 6 without, and things are looking good. It would seem that all the energy Caron had previosuly exerted in chewing straws has been converted to raw playing talent. First off Caron went 4-1 in his first 5 games with the Mavericks but has jumped up to 6-0 once straw chewing was banned (and 7-0 once they thrash the Nets). Butler has also been able to up his average minutes per game from 36 to 37 a clear sign of increased stamina. But he didn't do this just by playing longer, no he's also playing more efficiently. With Straws on the Mavericks, Butler averaged 14.4 points per game, 37% shooting, 16.66% on 3's 74% on free throws, 1.4 steals a game, while straw-less he shoots 19 points per game, 52% shooting, 37.% on 3's, 80% on free throws, and 2.16 steals a game, all the while assists, blocks and rebound decreased only slightly. While some may say this is simply Caron adjusting to a new team and a new style to play,I saw this karma slapping David Stern and his bitter,greedy, vengeful ways right in the face. Let this be a warning to Roger Goodell and Bud Selig, just like their apprentice, if they try to play politics in their respective sports they're gonna get burned.

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Today I come to you with some unfortunate news: the NBA is on course to become the NFL. Sadly, I am not talking about getting multiple games every Sunday, on every major network. No what I am referring to is the NBA’s rapid transition into over-regulation, the likes of which this country hasn’t seen (with the exception of the FDR, the Obama, and the Goodell administration). Shades of this move could be seen earlier this season when the NBA fined Milwaukee Bucks rookie Brandon Jennings not for his ridiculously stupid haircut, but for twitting 45 minutes AFTER the game had ended. Soon after the NBA’s resident libertarian Mark Cuban criticized a referee’s poor performance in a game via twitter and was fined $25,000. After the initial fine Cuban fired back with a another tweet stating “can’t say no one makes money from twitter. now the nba does” (notice the lack of capitalization of NBA a clear sign of Mark’s lack of respect for the NBA). Such a move would have caused the more sane and conservative Roosevelt roll around in his grave, as ability to criticize the government and other authority figures was paramount to his belief system.


Despite such erroneous policies, David Stern thought he hadn’t done enough to justify his massive paycheck (in 1996 he had a $35 million five year deal and I assume its only risen), all while the NBA is set to lose roughly $400 million after four years of losing $200 million a year (presumably all from the WNBA and the NJ Nets). But as one of the highest paid commissioners in all of the 90’s who was Stern to look to? Roger Goodell (student of Bud Selig) the epitome of an overpaid and his fascist No Fun League.
While there is surely numerous examples to prove my point I will only focus on the most recent. In a clear smack in the face to Social Darwinist, Stern has decided to ban the chewing of straws during games. Not only does this policy seek to protect people from themselves something that makes Social Darwinist squirm, but it also contains a hallmark requirement for an unjust law; it targets a specific individual. That individual being Dallas Mavericks Star Caron Butler. While some will say this is an attack on Butler, I am wise to the ways of David Stern and realize that this is really a attack on Mark Cuban owner of the Mavericks. Butler has been chewing twelve straws a game for over 12 years now, clearly safety is not Stern’s concern. So why now?


Cuban has been very uppity as of late, with his appearance on WWE Raw and his twitter war and this is Stern’s way of sending him a message. Stern hopes that by changing up Butler’s in-game rituals he can throw him off his grove and derail the Mavs from their previously assured playoff spot. Want further proof? Stern has yet to ban Lebron for chewing gum; gum if swallowed not only poses a chocking risk, but also as revealed in a 1998 study by the Journal of Pediatrics: if swallowed gum can accumulate in the intestines causing intestinal pain and constipation. Will it is doubtful Stern will retreat on this issue, the least he can do is sever ties with Goodell and study under the tutelage of Cuban on issues of law and liberty.