Saturday, May 22, 2010

Un-Legislated Matrimony

Over the course of 2010 we've heard of the sexual exploits of Tiger Woods and Jesse James, and now with Jame's apology and Matt Lauer's own marital misconduct it's all going to start all over again. Sadly over the course of these past few months, the inconsiderate actions of three men have gotten more coverage than topics of actual importance. So the question arises, should we even care what this men do? The answer isn't as simple as yes or no. First and foremost as said in my past two articles, we should always be concerned with where are money is going. If we find the actions of any; a celebrity, athlete, team owner, station/network owner, store owner, etc we should ensure none of our money reaches their pockets. You may have to sacrifice something to ensure that happens, i.e. not watch your favorite sports team until it fires a certain player, or a certain network until it fires an immoral anchor. However, to continue patronizing the aforementioned person would be akin to telling them that their talent is more important than human dignity and that you would be o.k. with them continuing their thoughtless ways. But based on the reactions I usually get from my sports/entertainment related opinions, I feel it's safe to assume only I would be willing to make such sacrifices.

So other than that, should we care about an affair; something that has no bearing on our own life? To answer that we first have to ask ourselves if we should care about other things people do that have no bearing on our own lives. Should we care about people's gambling habits (only if it effects their children), should we care about people's drug use (only if it effects their children), should we care about people's sexual desires (i.e. laws against prostitution), should we care how many spouses a person has (assuming they are consensual) (i.e. laws against polygamy), should we care how much salt, sugar, fat, etc someone eats (i.e. NYC soda tax). With the exception of the last, one which one might care about because 1) when everyone must own health insurance, the unhealthy habits of the few raise costs for all and 2) sugars, fat, etc leads to obesity, and we all enjoy oggling a nice fit woman (or man), I really couldn't care less what others do in the privacy of their own home (or the home of some nameless flousy).

Having said that, I fully expect smarmy comments such as "but cheating on your wife isn't illegal". However, they would be wrong. A marriage license is acctually a legally binding contract between man wife and the government (or in the case of some more enlightened states man/man/government or wife/wife/government). Thus cheating on your spouse is breaking a contract and thus breaking the law. The penalty? half your current assets and a lifetime of alimony.

Besides, who really cares about the sacrament of marriage. Almost all the effects of marriage can be achieved through other means.

1) The ability to have your child not be called a bastard.
Solution: Simple, lie about your marital status, you guys secretly eloped.
Bonus: With all the new wave celebrity have/adopting children out of wedlock, it's acctually cool to be a bastard child now!

2) Tax Breaks
Solution: Alright, this is acctually a pretty good reason to get married.
Bonus: Tax breaks were designed to encourage marriage, procreation, and stay at home moms, when moms stopped staying home, the tax break lost it's purpose. So why not abolish the tax break for couples and sub in an all around tax cut?

3) The ability to visit your spouse in the hospital as family
Solution: Create a living will which adds your significant other as an acceptable visitor, subsequently pass legislation to allow hospitals computer access to living wills.
Bonus: An increase in living wills, could decrease the number of Terri Schiavo like cases we come across.

4) Strips the ability of your spouse to testify against you in a court of law.
Solution: Plead the fifth if you get sent to court.
Bonus: Unless you and your spouse are career criminals and one of you is a Bendict Arnold or you belief that spousal abuse is acceptable, pleading the fifth will work just fine.

5) Not happy? You get to give your spouse half your assets.
Solution: You want to give money away? Contact me at I'll tell you how you can send me a check instead.
Bonus: You still get to part with that money you despise so much and you don't have to deal with a messy divorce.

Please don't misinterpret my message, with the exception of what I said I still don't think any of us should care about what James, Woods, or Lauer does or doesn't do. In fact the only reason I wrote this article was because it's a hot button issue likely to attract readers, give me a chance to expound my various political ideals , and because I was able to write it with little to no mention of the actual men in question.

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