Friday, March 5, 2010

Lopez Tonight Presents the Cast of Jersey Shore

In a desperate attempt to reach out to new viewers, I will be presenting all the video clips created by the cast of Jersey Shore on Lopez Tonight (one of the worst shows on television).

Vinny in Inglorious Bastards (2009, Quentin Tarantino)

I really should save this clip and present it last, because this is by far the best clip. I really have to give Vinny some credit, this is some great acting. However, I am pretty sure Quentin Tarantino would be very upset if he saw this clip.

Snooky making a fool of herself in Part 2 of Inglorious Bastards

The cast, especially Snooky, is trying a little to hard too make people laugh in this clip. I do not want to discredit Snooky, however, because she is a very talented young woman. That being said...

Snooky in Precious (2009, Lee Daniels)

Snooky really blossoms in this clip, giving a much more natural performance. She even got a couple chuckles out of me. Well done, Snickers.

Mike "The Situation," Pauly D, and Ronnie in The Hurt Locker (2009, Kathryn Bigelow)

This acting is probably the most natural out of all the clips, and also has the funniest jokes. Well done, Jersey Shore, well done. (My opinions and remarks do not represent the opinions and views of ETS Daily).

Pauly D in Avatar (2009, James Cameron)

This clip seems really last minute, not to mention short. They were obviously forcing an Avatar reference and failed miserably. I love Pauly D though, I guess acting is not his thing.

Mike "The Situation" in The Blind Side (2009, John Lee Hancock)

I am deeply saddened by the piss-poor acting of my favorite Jersey Shore character, Mike "The Situation." Mike, how could you act so poorly? You have some redeeming to do during season 2 in Florida.

Sammy "Sweetheart" in Part 2 of Precious

This just is not funny at all-except for the part where she throws that shoe at her mom. That is silly.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Danica Patrick: “On the Track Gettin' Tipsy?”

Say whatever you want about NASCAR, laugh that some people call it a sport, turn your nose up in disgust that others watch purely for a chance to witness carnage, or be intrigued by the the masses that to gather on the hot pavement of Daytona. However, before you choose to disrespect NASCAR, (or perhaps you too enjoy high speed wrecks) you should be aware that this is a billion dollar a year industry. Like any billion dollar a year industry NASCAR is two things 1) full of conspiracies 2) a boys club, this article deals with both. I’m reluctant to use the word conspiracy here, because people often associate it with delusional lunatics and pure fantasy; however what I am about to right is simply drawn from the cold hard facts.

In 2009 Danica Patrick stunned the world by appearing in a “remake” of the 1980’s film Weird Science for’s highly sexualized Superbowl Ads in nothing but a towel (and at other times nothing at all). Although she had also appeared in a 2007 Superbowl Ad, in that one she appeared as a very professional race car driver who only attracted attention for her bad puns. While this may have been her introduction to the World, in 2005 she was introduced to a much closer nit universe, the racing world. She did so by becoming only the fourth women in history to compete in the Indy 500, finishing an unprecedented 4rth place. In 2006 and 2007 she proved herself once again finishing in the top ten along with a third place finish in 2009. From here Danica made another surprising jump, one you likely didn’t hear about; here move to NASCAR (as opposed to the rocket shaped Indy car circuit). While you may be saying to yourself, “of course I didn’t hear about it, it’s NASCAR and I live in the North”, however you would only be partially correct. The real culprit: The Boys Club running NASCAR. Unfortunately for Danica, I found out about her debut a few weeks before it was set to take place. I saw unfortunately not because I want her to fail, but because once word got out that women could be capable drivers, NASCAR panicked and so the conspiracy begins. Now that the world had learned that Danica had penetrated the phalanx (innuendo!) like defense system NASCAR had set up, they only had one option left to retain their “pride”; embarrass Danica. In order to do so NASCAR sought to reinforce the old stereotype that women don’t know how to drive. While this could have been done in a number of ways (most obviously some sort of rouge computer chip), the men of NASCAR went with old reliable. And so on February 13th at the NASCAR Nationwide Series, a yet to be determined number of men collaborated to take out Danica. First up at bat was Trevor Bayne, turning into a wall to make it appear as if his attempts at taking out Danica (who was right behind him) were inadvertent. However Danica escaped and instead Trevor took out six other cars. Next up was Colin Braun who on lap 68 (of 120) turned into John Wise, once again ocnce again this accident occurred immediately before Danica. Sadly this time it worked, with the duo taking out not only Danica but nine other racers in the process, for a total of 19 cars wrecked due to project sabotage. One success wasn’t enough for NASCAR though, so they went at it again at Dancia’s next race, at the Febuary 20th Sam’s Town 300 race. It was lap 83 and Danica had just previously ran a lap in third place. At this point Michael McDowell slowed and turned down into Danica.

Notice how the announcers blame everything on Danica. While some find my arguments utterly insane, I find it entirely unbelievable that a world class racer could be involved in three accidents when she has only been in three races. Luckily NASCAR has until June (Danica’s next NASCAR race) to clean up their act, although I am doubtful and fully except to see McDowell and company sporting some bling and a new set of wheels in the coming weeks as per their (assumed) corporate payoffs.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The Real Iron Men of Sports (ETS Daily Exclusive)

The term "Iron Man" gets thrown around a lot these days. Sure, you have Cal Ripken and Lou Gehrig, who played in a combined 4763 consecutive games. But was Cal really the # 1 Iron Man to ever play sports? ETS Daily considers...

10. Lou Gehirg

His record of 2,131 consecutive games played lasted for 56 years, and it's a shame he died so young, because the number could have been a lot higher. But "what-ifs" don't quite cut it on ETS Daily.

9. Cal Ripken

Yes, playing in 2,632 consecutive games is very impressive. No, that record will never be broken, but Cal's career was not quite as long as some other members of this list. Plus, baseball is a non contact sport. For the record, Pete Rose holds the mark most for most baseball games ever played, with 3,562.

8. Ted "Double-Duty" Radcliff

Radcliff, who played his entire career in the Negro Leagues, became the oldest person ever to pitch in a professional baseball game, when at age 96, he threw exactly 1 pitch for the Schamburg Flyers of the Northern League. As was a tradition, once he passed his 100th birthday, each year he threw out the first pitch at U.S. Cellular Field for the Chicago White Sox.

7. Morten Anderson

Vikings Fans may remember him for other, more dubious reasons, but we here at ETS Daily like to think of Morten as a true Iron Man. Anderson was an NFL kicker between 1982 and 2007, kicking his last field goal at age 47. Truly, he is one of Denmark's proudest sons.

6. Julio Franco

Franco played from 1982 to 2007, and when he played his last game he was 49 years old. Known for lying about his age over the course of his career, which means he couyld have been even older. Met fans will always remember Franco as a lousy, unreliable pinch hitter, but he accumulated a fine career, and naturally did better once he was traded to Atlanta.

5. Kareem-Abdul-Jabbar

Played 20 seasons in the NBA, all for the Milwaukee Bucks and the LA Lakers. He holds the record for most minutes played, with 57,446, and is second in games played at 1560. Only Robert Parish, long time Boston Celtic, has played more games (1611), but only played 45,704 minutes, keeping him off this list.

4. Chris Chelios

Famous American born defensemen who played in the NHL from 1983 to 2009. Played for the Canadiens, Blackhawks, and Red Wings, and is 10th on the all-time leader boards for scoring defensemen. Chelios, who played his last NHL game to date at age 48, is still playing minor league hockey for the Chicago Wolves of the AHL, a farm system team for the Atlanta Thrashers, who say that if someone on their roster gets injured, Chris could very well be called to play once again. His 1644 games played is the most for any American born hockey player.

3. Jesse Orosco

Played his first major league game in 1979, played his last in 2003 at age 46. One of a select handful of players to play in 4 decades. This life-long relief pitcher is best remembered for striking out Marty Barrett for the final out of the 1986 world series, the last championship for the Mets to date. His record of 1252 games played for a pitcher remains the record to this very day.

2. Gordie Howe

Played for the Red Wings from 1946 to 1971. Finished his career for the Hartford Whalers in 1980. His record of 1767 NHL games played (not counting WHA, another legit professionally league he played for from 1971 to 1978) will probably never be touched. He played his final NHL game at age 52.

1. George Blanda

NFL QB and placekicker from 1949 to 1976 en route to a hall of fame career. Played for the Bears, Colts, Oilers, and Raiders. His record of 340 NFL games played was only beaten by Morten Anderson. Blanda gets the nod as our # 1, in the ultimate contact sport.

Feel free to add your own choices to this list, or add any disagreements to the list. As always, articles on ETS Daily are open for comment, and we'd love for your input

The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same

With spring training now officially upon us, it's time for this year's 2010 baseball season to begin. With every passing baseball season, the drama continues to build. Will a new team make the playoffs this year? Will someone else win the world series? Will the Pittsburgh Pirates finish above .500? Will the Royals draw more than 12,000 fans a game? Will the Braves make the playoffs and still not sell out? Really, the main question is how many games you think this year's Yankees/Phillies world series is going to go. 4? 5? 6...7? Looking back, there hasn't been a 7 game (good) world series since 2002 (8 years ago), when the Angels and Giants went the full 7 games in a terrific world series that I will never forget. Since then, there's been a lot to forget, and baseball has no one to blame but itself. With no salary cap comes no parody, and with no parody, teams will continue to lose fans like Obama loses supporters. Sadly, this lack of competition is not just a 21st century problem. It truly dates back to the 1920s, when the dead ball became the live ball, and the money started rolling in. With that in mind, I'd like to share with you a few facts about some truly pathetic baseball teams that somehow still have enough fans to remain in the league.

The Kansas City Royals. Where to start? Well, they did win a world series (their only one) in 1985. Unfortunately, the last time they made the playoffs was 1985. In case you're bad at math, that's a 25 year drought. In case you were wondering, since 1985, the Yankees, Red Sox, Angels, Cardinals, Braves have made it to the playoffs a combined 65 times. We all know the Cubs haven't won a world series since 1908, but did you know that between 1945 and 1984 they didn't even reach the postseason? Similarily, the Indians have not won a world series since 1948, but did you also know that between 1954 and 1995 Indians fans (whatever few remaining) did not witness their team play past the regular season? The Pirates are a story all unto themselves. They just set a record last year with their 17th consecutive losing season, and things still do not look bright in Pittsburgh. Brand new ball parks (beautiful, I might add) just aren't as appealing when the fans go to games dressed as seats. Oh, and the Milwaukee Brewers. Considering they've been in the league since 1970 (1969 as the Seattle Pilots), it's kind of embarrassing to think that they have only reached the playoffs 3 times. The storied Cincinatti Reds, the oldest team in baseball history, starting play in 1869, haven't reached the playoffs since 1995. But they too had their struggles during Baseball's "boom period," going from 1940 to 1970 with exactly 1 playoff appearance. Another team that deserves mention is the Philadelphia Phillies. Their recent success may have fooled some young baseball fans about their team history, but the fact is it was not so bright. The Phillies, to this day, are the oldest team in baseball to have the same name, going back to 1882 (The Reds were originally the Red Stockings). They also became the first team in professional sports to lose 10,000 games. Between 1915 and 1976, the Phillies went to the playoffs once, which consisted of a 4 game world series sweep at the hands of the Yankees. When they won their first world series in 1980, it was the first time in 98 years as a franchise that they were able to do so. But while all these teams were doing so bad during baseball's golden era, who was doing well? The Yankees. As everyone knows, because Yankee fans let everyone know all the time, their team has 27 world championships. Which, if you do the math, is one championship every 4 years. They have also been to the world series 40 times, meaning that the Yankees have played in almost half of every world series game ever played. But why is it that one team could have so much success and most everyone else could be so bad? Why does no one seem to care? Well, people used to care, but any sense of caring was beaten out of them by sheer time and failure. Just look around the league at teams with no money, and look at the empty seats. With no salary cap, there's no parody, and when nothing ever changes, there's no more room for hope, and hope is the reason people follow sports. Baseball may be America's pastime, but only politically. Baseball is representative of America's Guilded Age, when so many people suffered while handfuls of men smoked cigars made of 20 dollar bills. And no, baseball fans, Bud Selig cannot hear you.
Monday, March 1, 2010

NBA MVP: No Contest

After all the questions I've been getting from readers wondering where the hell I've been these past couple weeks, I thought I should offer some sort of explanation. Although Olympic Curling coverage is partially responsible for my absence, the real reason you haven't heard from me is much more pertinent to actual sports. As I was browsing last week, I came across one of the greatest things I've ever seen: Google Motion Charts. You see, I'm a sports fan; but I'm also a stats geek, someone who gets excited over things like APBRMetrics and John Hollinger's PER ratings. So when I came across hoopdata's Motion Charts and the endless potential for analysis and comparison of any NBA players I choose... suffice it to say I had to make a change of clothing.

If you're not familiar with Motion Charts, I certainly recommend checking them out; however, I can understand that not everyone shares my passion for stats, so you may not be as enthusiastic as I was. But anyone with an interest in the NBA would surely find something to be impressed by after playing around with the new hoopdata tool for a few minutes. I tinkered with an endless array of stats and comparisons, and I could hardly give a sufficient representation of how amazing the potential is for illustrating all sorts of statistical nuances, but I thought I'd give a quick look at a very basic implementation of the power of the Motion Charts. Again, to truly see the value of the Motion Charts (and utilize the "Motion" aspect of the tool) you'll have to play with them yourself at

One of the most discussed arguments throughout any NBA season is "Who is this year's MVP?" As someone who believes that this argument is not even close, I looked to see if the charts could support my claim. Let's first look at a representation of the elite players' Usage Rate (horizontal axis) versus their Offensive Rating (vertical axis) for this season:

This chart tells us a number of things. The first thing you'll notice is that it's probably not a good idea to let Gilbert Arenas use so many possessions (and maybe Durant should be using more). We can also see that while Dwyane Wade may not have the best Offensive Rating, he is asked to carry a bigger load for his team than any player in the NBA. On the other hand, Bryant is surrounded by a much better team, and is therefore not required to do as much. You can see on the right that the colors correspond to the players' MPG (basically the same here since all of these players get big minutes) and that the size variable is not being used in this example. Finally, you can see on the bottom right that I have zoomed in on a small part of the NBA to show only the league's elite players. And Arenas.

At this point, you might be asking "What the hell is usage rate?" or "Offensive Rating? What ever happened to real stats, like points per game?" Well, we all know that Lebron leads the NBA in PPG, so let's take a look at the other major statistical categories: assists and rebounds. Here's a look at the NBA's best when we chart Assists Per Game (horizontal axis) versus Rebounds Per Game (vertical axis):

I see two interesting things here: Iguodala's outlier status and Odom's impressive position on this chart despite limited minutes (depicted by his yellow color). Anyway, the point is, Lebron stands far above the other MVP candidates in the Assists + Rebounds category.

One last example: what about defense? While most people don't think too much about defense when it comes to their choice for MVP, it's obviously something that should be considered. Here's a chart of Defensive Rating (horizontal axis) versus Offensive Rating (vertical axis) (the lower the DRtg, the better the defense, so the top left is where you want to be):

Here, the size variable was put to use, showing total minutes played. You can see that while Garnett gets decent MPG, his total minutes were affected by his injury. While you may not agree that Lebron is the clear choice for MVP, at least you now have to admit what I've been claiming for years (and the real subject of my research): Anderson "Wild Thing" Varejao and Chris "Birdman" Anderson are two of the best players in the NBA. Much more on this topic to come. Feel free to share your thoughts.
Sunday, February 28, 2010

Picks of the Week

Ah Midterms... what a perfectly good way to ruin anybody's week. For those of you that actually have a job, you might remember midterms and all of the hours of your life they have stolen. Well, here is your chance to get those hours back, with the picks of the week:

Funny Games (2008, Michael Haneke)
Plot provided by the Internet Movie Database:
In this exploration of our violent society and how depictions of violence reflect and shape our culture, a middle-class family submits both physically and mentally to the torture, violence, and death foisted upon them by two young, unexpected, white-gloved visitors at their vacation retreat near a lake.

The Breakdown:

Michael Haneke is well known internationally as a very talented New German Cinema director. Not commonly known is the fact that Michael Haneke originally made this film in German in 1997, and remade it in 2008 after it's international success. Typical of most New German Cinema, this film features long takes, and has an obvious influence from the French New Wave. This deeply disturbing film has a knack for making the audience feel uncomfortable not only by showing disturbing images, but by directly addressing the camera as well. This is far from a Hollywood film, and therefore is not for everyone. However, I do suggest this film to anyone who enjoys horror flicks. Germans know how to make people scream!

Shutter Island (2010, Martin Scorsese)
Plot provided by the Internet Movie Database:
It's 1954, and up-and-coming U.S. marshal Teddy Daniels is assigned to investigate the disappearance of a patient from Boston's Shutter Island Ashecliffe Hospital. He's been pushing for an assignment on the island for personal reasons, but before long he wonders whether he hasn't been brought there as part of a twisted plot by hospital doctors whose radical treatments range from unethical to illegal to downright sinister. Teddy's shrewd investigating skills soon provide a promising lead, but the hospital refuses him access to records he suspects would break the case wide open. As a hurricane cuts off communication with the mainland, more dangerous criminals "escape" in the confusion, and the puzzling, improbable clues multiply, Teddy begins to doubt everything - his memory, his partner, even his own sanity.

The Breakdown:
I have been hearing a lot of complaints about this movie, and not enough praise. Let me trash everyone that feels it necessary to trash this movie. Hollywood Cinema has been well established for over 40 years now, and is represented by movies that are easy to understand and follow in terms of the narrative. I honestly do not care if you think you are a genius for "figuring out" this movie, nor do I care if the movie is "too easy" to understand. The point of the film is not the twist, it is how the story plays out. I leaned forward on the edge of my seat the entire movie and was completely satisfied with all aspects of the film. If you came to see this movie and was expecting an unsolvable mystery and crazy twist ending, go see an M. Night Shyamalan flick, and keep your uninteresting, unqualified opinions to yourself.

Special Request Review:

One of our esteemed fans have requested that I do a special belated Valentine's Day Special Review. What better movie to review for this special occasion then Valentine's Day (2010, Garry Marshall)

Plot provided by the Internet Movie Database:
February 14th, Valentines Day, is not a national holiday, but it is one of those days that must be celebrated. There are "special someones" in your life who expect to receive romantic gifts from their lovers. Commercialism has put a tremendous amount of pressure on men to give their lovers a romantic day with all the trimmings. Women are under pressure to have a man, or they feel desperate and unloved. Valentines Day follows the lives of several couples during this day. Their stories are told through the interconnections they have with each other. Some will find romance in their relationship, and others will feel the heartbreak of ending a relationship. In this Russian roulette world of finding love, everyone in the film is asking for advice on how to find and keep true love.

The Breakdown:
Every once in a while I see a trailer for a movie I know is going to be bad, but I find it necessary to give that one special movie a chance to prove me wrong. That movie is Valentine's Day. Why did I give this movie a chance? -Honestly, I thought it was going to be exactly like He's Just Not That Into You (2009, Ken Kwapis). That movie was underrated and fun. Valentine's Day is the exact opposite. The characters are way too many, and underdeveloped, leading to confusing acting that leaves many questions to be asked. Even for the older people out there, I would find something better to do than see this movie.


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Minus the ETS is a sports news blog dedicated to the sports that ESPN and your local news decide to leave out. Everything from the NBA to professional wrestling, now with movie reviews!!!

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Why Lebron is Better than Everything Else!!!
Play-by-Play Breakdown of Taco Bell Superbowl Ad!!!
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