Wednesday, February 17, 2010

That's So Ravens! (ETS Daily Exclusive)

The Baltimore Ravens have long had one of the most dominant defenses in the league, and with the recent additions of Joe Flacco and Ray Rice, the future looks very bright. There is, however, a glaring need for improvement at the wide receiver position. The Ravens' current number one option, Derrick Mason, came very close to retiring in 2009, and Flacco's second option, Mark Clayton, caught just 34 balls last season. These questions make upgrading Baltimore's receiving corps at least the number two priority for the Ravens' front office this offseason.

Their number one priority, on the other hand, hasn't changed for an entire decade: to do whatever they can to distract people from the fact that the Ravens' All-Pro linebacker, Ray Lewis, stabbed Jacinth Baker and Richard Lollar in January 2000. Accordingly, we at ETS Daily would like to take a moment to congratulate the Ravens on a job well done. Since the murders, Lewis has participated in eight Pro Bowls, led the NFL in tackles three times, and was even named Most Valuable Player of the Super Bowl not one year after ending the lives of two innocent people. Through it all, rarely has it ever even been mentioned that the same tackling machine being lauded as a hero and a role model on television sets around the world is nothing short of a cold-blooded killer. Now, that's not to say there weren't any bumps in the road; for example, Lewis was not actually allowed to accept the trip to Disney World awarded to Super Bowl MVPs, and had to rely on teammate Trent "Honky" Dilfer to deliver the famous "I'm going to Disney World!" catchphrase. But the point is, no one really made a big deal of it; after all, Lewis had no interest in hanging around a place with so many witnesses anyway.

So imagine the wave of excitement that went through the Baltimore front office on February 8th when Roger Goodell reinstated former Browns receiver Donte' Stallworth. "Not only are we getting a guy that has proven his ability to take a hit in traffic," Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome told ETS Daily, "but he's actually a convicted murderer! Ray is in the clear!" Indeed, although Lewis did plead guilty to a misdemeanor charge of obstruction of justice, and also made separate, undisclosed settlements with both the Baker family and India Lollar (born months after the brutal death of her father at the hands of the Ravens' signal caller), he was never actually convicted of murder. "In addition, the Ravens Family would like to extend our heartfelt appreciation to Mario Reyes," Newsome added, in reference to Stallworth's vehicular homicide victim, "for his selfless contribution to the image of our franchise's most recognizable figure."


Anonymous said...

Stalleworth, Ray Lewis, Gilbert Arenas? Its a DC thang

Anonymous said...

Maybe Stalleworth should play defense he does really well at getting out of legal trouble

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