Normally these days, when you hear the words backfire and NBA in the same sentence, you would think that Gilbert Arenas had some sort of gun malfunction as a result of a bad game of checkers. However, I use the term in a way far less painful to all the Agent Zero fans out there and far more enjoyable to all the Mavericks (aka the New Wizards) fans out there. If you've been keeping up with the Birdman's latest articles you should be able to figure out that I am referring to NBA Commissioner David Stern's latest conspiracy. To reiterate briefly, late this February Stern attempted to exact revenge on Dallas Maverick's owner Mark Cuban for some unflattering comments Cuban had made regarding NBA officials. As Mark is a multimillionaire, Stern's usual tactic of excessive fining (something he is slowly refining as per instructions be mentor and NFL commissioner Roger Goodell) didn't work. Thus Stern was forced to resort t more subversive tactics, which came in the form of banning the chewing of plastic straws; a Caron Butler mainstay. Stern's logic (something he rarely uses) was that by forcing Butler to change his in game routine, he could throw him off rhythm thus preventing the Mavericks from what could be their 10th straight playoff appearance.

Fortunately Stern has failed. Here we are 11 games into Caron Butler's Mavericks run, 5 with straws, 6 without, and things are looking good. It would seem that all the energy Caron had previosuly exerted in chewing straws has been converted to raw playing talent. First off Caron went 4-1 in his first 5 games with the Mavericks but has jumped up to 6-0 once straw chewing was banned (and 7-0 once they thrash the Nets). Butler has also been able to up his average minutes per game from 36 to 37 a clear sign of increased stamina. But he didn't do this just by playing longer, no he's also playing more efficiently. With Straws on the Mavericks, Butler averaged 14.4 points per game, 37% shooting, 16.66% on 3's 74% on free throws, 1.4 steals a game, while straw-less he shoots 19 points per game, 52% shooting, 37.% on 3's, 80% on free throws, and 2.16 steals a game, all the while assists, blocks and rebound decreased only slightly. While some may say this is simply Caron adjusting to a new team and a new style to play,I saw this karma slapping David Stern and his bitter,greedy, vengeful ways right in the face. Let this be a warning to Roger Goodell and Bud Selig, just like their apprentice, if they try to play politics in their respective sports they're gonna get burned.

As always feel free to leave comments at http://www.formspring.me/ETSDaily

Feel free to add your own choices to this list, or add any disagreements to the list. As always, articles on ETS Daily are open for comment, and we'd love for your input

Today I come to you with some unfortunate news: the NBA is on course to become the NFL. Sadly, I am not talking about getting multiple games every Sunday, on every major network. No what I am referring to is the NBA’s rapid transition into over-regulation, the likes of which this country hasn’t seen (with the exception of the FDR, the Obama, and the Goodell administration). Shades of this move could be seen earlier this season when the NBA fined Milwaukee Bucks rookie Brandon Jennings not for his ridiculously stupid haircut, but for twitting 45 minutes AFTER the game had ended. Soon after the NBA’s resident libertarian Mark Cuban criticized a referee’s poor performance in a game via twitter and was fined $25,000. After the initial fine Cuban fired back with a another tweet stating “can’t say no one makes money from twitter. now the nba does” (notice the lack of capitalization of NBA a clear sign of Mark’s lack of respect for the NBA). Such a move would have caused the more sane and conservative Roosevelt roll around in his grave, as ability to criticize the government and other authority figures was paramount to his belief system.


Despite such erroneous policies, David Stern thought he hadn’t done enough to justify his massive paycheck (in 1996 he had a $35 million five year deal and I assume its only risen), all while the NBA is set to lose roughly $400 million after four years of losing $200 million a year (presumably all from the WNBA and the NJ Nets). But as one of the highest paid commissioners in all of the 90’s who was Stern to look to? Roger Goodell (student of Bud Selig) the epitome of an overpaid and his fascist No Fun League.
While there is surely numerous examples to prove my point I will only focus on the most recent. In a clear smack in the face to Social Darwinist, Stern has decided to ban the chewing of straws during games. Not only does this policy seek to protect people from themselves something that makes Social Darwinist squirm, but it also contains a hallmark requirement for an unjust law; it targets a specific individual. That individual being Dallas Mavericks Star Caron Butler. While some will say this is an attack on Butler, I am wise to the ways of David Stern and realize that this is really a attack on Mark Cuban owner of the Mavericks. Butler has been chewing twelve straws a game for over 12 years now, clearly safety is not Stern’s concern. So why now?


Cuban has been very uppity as of late, with his appearance on WWE Raw and his twitter war and this is Stern’s way of sending him a message. Stern hopes that by changing up Butler’s in-game rituals he can throw him off his grove and derail the Mavs from their previously assured playoff spot. Want further proof? Stern has yet to ban Lebron for chewing gum; gum if swallowed not only poses a chocking risk, but also as revealed in a 1998 study by the Journal of Pediatrics: if swallowed gum can accumulate in the intestines causing intestinal pain and constipation. Will it is doubtful Stern will retreat on this issue, the least he can do is sever ties with Goodell and study under the tutelage of Cuban on issues of law and liberty.

The Baltimore Ravens have long had one of the most dominant defenses in the league, and with the recent additions of Joe Flacco and Ray Rice, the future looks very bright. There is, however, a glaring need for improvement at the wide receiver position. The Ravens' current number one option, Derrick Mason, came very close to retiring in 2009, and Flacco's second option, Mark Clayton, caught just 34 balls last season. These questions make upgrading Baltimore's receiving corps at least the number two priority for the Ravens' front office this offseason.


Their number one priority, on the other hand, hasn't changed for an entire decade: to do whatever they can to distract people from the fact that the Ravens' All-Pro linebacker, Ray Lewis, stabbed Jacinth Baker and Richard Lollar in January 2000. Accordingly, we at ETS Daily would like to take a moment to congratulate the Ravens on a job well done. Since the murders, Lewis has participated in eight Pro Bowls, led the NFL in tackles three times, and was even named Most Valuable Player of the Super Bowl not one year after ending the lives of two innocent people. Through it all, rarely has it ever even been mentioned that the same tackling machine being lauded as a hero and a role model on television sets around the world is nothing short of a cold-blooded killer. Now, that's not to say there weren't any bumps in the road; for example, Lewis was not actually allowed to accept the trip to Disney World awarded to Super Bowl MVPs, and had to rely on teammate Trent "Honky" Dilfer to deliver the famous "I'm going to Disney World!" catchphrase. But the point is, no one really made a big deal of it; after all, Lewis had no interest in hanging around a place with so many witnesses anyway.


So imagine the wave of excitement that went through the Baltimore front office on February 8th when Roger Goodell reinstated former Browns receiver Donte' Stallworth. "Not only are we getting a guy that has proven his ability to take a hit in traffic," Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome told ETS Daily, "but he's actually a convicted murderer! Ray is in the clear!" Indeed, although Lewis did plead guilty to a misdemeanor charge of obstruction of justice, and also made separate, undisclosed settlements with both the Baker family and India Lollar (born months after the brutal death of her father at the hands of the Ravens' signal caller), he was never actually convicted of murder. "In addition, the Ravens Family would like to extend our heartfelt appreciation to Mario Reyes," Newsome added, in reference to Stallworth's vehicular homicide victim, "for his selfless contribution to the image of our franchise's most recognizable figure."

With Groundhog Day still fresh in our minds, it is only fitting to do a report on another rodent who recently reared his ugly head: Roger Goodell. As you may have heard team owners recently agreed to extend Roger’s already incredibly cushy contract by another five years, at about $10 million a year after bonuses. Since taking office the Gestapo of fun has seemingly done everything wrong, even his noble effort at player conduct reform amounted to a joke. Some honest players were railroaded by the system, all the while Bill Bilicheck got a slap on the wrist for Spygate, as according to Roger a fine (which I am sure Mr. Kraft who so vehemently supports this policy reimbursed Bill for), would be far more effective than suspending Bill. Why would it be more effective? Because Roger loves the Patriots and he loves when they win, a Bilicheck-less Patriots might not make the playoffs (although I think at that time Lord Thomas Brady could have gotten them their without a coach), and the Patriots out of the playoff means less bonuses for Roger. For more evidence on Roger’s obvious bias check out the Brady rule, as well as his love affair with Jerry Jones who is for some reason exempt from revenue sharing. I hate Pete Rozelle with a passion for a lot of his policy, but the one thing he did right was revenue sharing, it’s easy to hate revenue sharing when you own a big market team, but I digress. With controversy quickly compiling what does Roger announce next? Roger decides that not only do teams not need revenue sharing to stay afloat, but also that they don’t need a cap on team spending. Roger who up until now has been the second worst sports commissioner is quickly learning from the worst Bud Selig. Won’t it be wondrous when NFL playoff brackets become as predictable as the MLB? Watch as teams like the Raiders and Bills get worse and worse while the Cowboys buy everything they haven’t been able to earn in the past 10 years.


Roger claims this policy is only in effect to avoid the impending 2011 lockout, but I doubt that. Even after Roger’s announcement, NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith made a statement that there is a 140% chance there will be a lockout. As much as I love NFL football I would love to see Roger with egg on his face. The man thinks he’s a godsend, he pretends he’s a saint. Last year Roger took a salary freeze as it was in his mind in the best interest of the NFL. Roger walked away with a measly $9,759,000, wow Roger what sacrifice! Lucky for the fans some teams are taking the high road and vow to stay within the realms of what a salary cap would be. One such the Pittsburg Steelers, acknowledge that this may hurt their competiveness, say that foresight (something Roger completely lacks) is more important. The Steelers recognize that when the salary cap is re-imposed teams will be forced to breach contracts, anger veterans, cut salaries and likely take a page out of the movie The Replacements. Personally I’m willing to take a year without the NFL if it means the end of Roger’s Reign, this is Rogers first time dealing with labor negations, and I pray team owners can him at the first sign of failure. Should Roger fail, fear not football fans, as the UFL is too the rescue. While the UFL has nothing on the XFL, it does have the backing of Mark Cuban, and it doesn’t have Roger. Just think with Roger removed from power; we can look forward to playful antics from the likes of Chad Ochocino and Terrell Owens. Maybe we’ll get a commissioner that doesn’t see fun as one of the seven deadly sin.